Dead Happy (the Script, Not the Blog)

So.
Today I showed a short video to my class, one that I had made with a friend, about clinical depression. Everything went well and my classmates agreed that it was a good video (not to be a narcissist but that's what THEY said, not me) and that got me thinking: I know this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I kind of suck ass at this.
I'm not going to lie and say I'm the best.
To be honest, I have no money for nice equipment, nor do I have much of a job in the first place. My movies are amateurish at best. I try as hard as possible to soak up whatever film techniques I can when I watch the talkies, but its a bit discouraging when your videos still have that FEEL to them. The FEEL of an amateur.

I'm trying to replace most of my time worrying about my misfortunes and woes by writing something (remember when I said I wasn't a writer? I lied.) It's a small little thing I call Dead Happy (unrelated to the film of the same name by Nicky Lianos) and it's about a man who finds hope after he's been murdered and becomes a ghost. Also, there's a love story, but that's not the important part.
The important part is that I desperately want this to become a real, tangible film, but I just don't feel ready to do so. I have imagined for years now that I could do something special, make a film of my own, but even after all of these years, I just can't yet.

And the most irritating part is that it's just dangling so closely above my head but I can't quite reach high enough. I have no one to really help me with this, but that doesn't matter. The lack of money doesn't matter. The lack of equipment doesn't matter.

My own unwillingness to comply with my aspirations is what really kills me. I know I just complained about what I don't have, but the thing that I don't have the most is my own drive (or at least not a strong enough one.)

This is part of the reason for this blog, to remind myself that I have to stop being such a lazy-ass and do what I want to do with my life. So from here on out, I'll do this. I'll study to whatever amount, buy to whatever amount, study  more to whatever amount, do whatever the hell it takes to become better at what I do. Why? Because. It's what I do.

And I don't want you, reader and friend, to think that I blame my woes on my lack of money or equipment. I know I'm not a good director yet, but I'll strive and strive until I'm there. Until I'm satisfied. Which is to say, never, but I'll strive until then, and you can count on that.

Thank you for reading this entire post (or at least reading the conclusion because truly, the conclusion is always the best part of anything) and I'm sorry if I was an incoherent mess, but I think this helped me more than anything. So anyway, thank you.

Yup.